Wednesday, 12 February 2014
Celebrate Anti-Valentine's Day with a Friend
Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday, and I know that makes me seem like Miss Piggy or something. I mean, it sounds like I cannot wait for all the love and accolades and 24-dozen pale-pink roses ALL FOR ME! But really, I’ve just always liked the day, even when I was a kid and no man was giving me play. I like the lace and the pink and the cupids. It’s just a feminine, pretty holiday. Sue me.
And, as luck would have it, from 9th grade until the present, I’ve pretty much always had a man in my life on Valentine’s Day. So even if I didn’t get anything grand, I always had the nice feeling of knowing I could celebrate my holiday with someone I cared about.
Until the year I couldn’t.
It was 1996, and I had no boyfriend, and my roommate Paula was beside herself with glee: “Now you’ll know what it feels like to be the rest of us, with NO MAN on this most hideous of holidays.” Paula is one of those people who enjoys her the Halloween and the black clothes and the frowning and the Sylvia Plath.
I put on a brave face, emphasizing what I liked about V-Day was just the prettiness of it in general, and seeing women with flowers at their desks, and lacy hearts in store windows and so on. But between you and me, I was a little devastated that my personal desk would be bare that year.
The only good news was that I had a friend named Eric who similarly had no romance as February 14 loomed, so we came up with a stunning plan: We’d give each other a beautiful anti-Valentine’s Day.
I lived in Seattle at the time, and there were bike messengers you could get to deliver stuff for cheap. There was a woman in my office who’d gotten a dozen red roses some weeks prior, and she’d let them die and get all brown and crunchy.
I had the dead roses delivered to Eric.
Image Credit: twid
I also mailed him a Valentine I'd made out of my tampon insertion instructions. I’d just written in red Sharpie over top of the little diagrams. Romantic!
That night, Eric picked me up and handed me a rubber heart. An anatomically correct rubber heart, with the disgusting ventricles and purple veins and so on. If that weren’t enough to make a woman swoon, he then whisked me off to dinner. At the bowling alley. We split an order of fries as the bowling pins crashed around us and Journey played on the jukebox.
After, we took a lovely drive. “I have a special surprise for you!” Eric said, as we pulled into the dump. We stared at garbage for a good half hour. It was breathtaking.
The whole night, we told each other how hideous we looked, and how much we didn't like each other. We giggled though the whole thing, and fully admired the other’s creativity at being as unromantic as possible.
Finally the evening was over and Eric walked me to the door. “I had a disgusting time,” he said. “Me, too. You’re the worst,” I said as I took leave of that Casanova.
And Valentine’s Day 1996 was over.
I have to tell you, it was one of the most fun Valentine’s Days I’ve ever had.
Monday, 10 February 2014
DAVIDO AT IT AGAIN
Waconzy’s Apology, Uche Iwuji’s Divorce, Village Davido
From a week brimming with headlines, scandals, and the odd shit-smudging, Pulse.ng’s Joey Akan walks through them all, shedding extra light, analysis, and maybe, discovering the solution to world peace.
Uche Iwuji’s Marriage Hits The Ground…and Shatters Into Tiny Bits Of Stories
Isn’t this a familiar narrative? One in which a female entertainer makes a lot of happy noises about getting the wedding ring, being one with the love of her life, and living happily ever after, like some princess in some unreal fairytale romance.
Sadly…this is reality, and ‘happily ever-after’ needs to be earned, not dreamed. Once again, how sad.
Actress Uche Iwuji 14-month old marriage to businessman, Juwon Rasak, is over. As shocking as that may sound in isolation, when you throw in the fact that they just had a cute little boy, who got into this earth, blessed with a family, but will be forced to grow up with the lifelong sting of a broken family, then you will get to feel the gravity of the situation, and maybe, if you have a heart, feel pity for the cute guy, and the family.
But I’m not saying you have a heart. So feel whatever. Honestly, your feelings do not count in this situation. They’ve already broken up.
Once again, a Nigerian celebrity marriage has crashed, and the rest of them unmarrieds and soon-to-be-marrieds never learn from these mistakes. Funke Akindele, Comedienne Princess, Doris Simeon,….the list can keep us up all day. It’s like a roll-call of regrets and pain.
Why does this always happen? The dynamics of a man-woman union cannot be totally grasped, but it’s not rocket science. The basics are plain; Show love and mutual respect, be faithful, be forgiving, meet each other half-way, have great sex, and above all, believe in some god…maybe God himself, and the fear of disobedience might make you stick around and make things work.
You see? I got it all figured out! Nigerian celebrities should be smarter, they should know this too.
It’s sad to see another marriage crash. I hope they all find happiness.
Davido Plays The Village Boy….and I approve!
What’s wrong with me? I approve of a village Davido? Yes I do!
It’s a few days to Valentine, and there is a rush by Nigerian entertainers to churn out decent music, and perhaps score some hit love song. So far, the leading light is…wait for it….Davido!
Who could have imagined that a singer, who’s more obsessed with flexing his wealth, dropping meaningless lyrics (mixed with amazing, amazing beats), can actually do a love song worthy of an award?
But Davido proved his doubters wrong this time (me included), dropped a song, and a creative music video that has left me breathless. He played a romantic farmer in the visual, and trust me, he did awesome….notwithstanding his urban tattoos, and a storyline that left much to be desired.
But I forgive him. He’s done well. I think I’m in love….with Davido. Please be my Valentine.
And yes…I am male. Chew on that!
Court Bans Vector from Music
You have to respect a legal business contract, or at least, if you must cancel it, do it honorably, and legally. Unless you want to end up with the weird feeling of pain and panic that rapper Vector has in his gut.
Nigeria’s very own ‘Jay Z’ is in dipshit. A sad smelly dipshit, complete with a court case, career threats, and the spectre of not making music, ever again.
Growing up, he signed a deal with YSG Entertainment in 2011. The deal was befitting of his status, and mutually benefitting him and the recording house, to a certain degree. Now Vector has grown in frame, fame, stature and talent, and he has got it in his head to jump ship, and go solo. That contract he signed has ceased being in his matured interest, and he wants out.
He actually got out, but didn’t terminate the contract legally. Instead, he chose to do something illegal, and breach a legal agreement.
As expected, YSG has cried foul to the law, and it has responded swiftly, stripping Vector of his basic fundamental essence, music. He can no longer make music, unless YSG are involved, and will benefit financially. How sad.
We have seen this happen between Brymo and Chocolate City, Soul E and Colossal Entertainment, and in both cases, the waving contract stands, and must be honored. Soul E lost his case in court, and paid N160 Million, which effectively ended his career. Brymo’s case is headed that way too, and Vector, I’m afraid will go down that path.
Show some sense people, show some sense!
We all know recording business investors ask for too much when a talented artiste needs a platform to shine. They ask for your money, and your soul. But if you decide to sell that soul for sponsorship and publicity money, just be certain that you will bleed every last coin spent on you, a thousand times more.
Bleed Vector, bleed. It’s sad, but bleed. I feel sorry for you, but bleed. Keep bleeding until your contract expires. Or if you have enough money, buy out the contract.
Keep bleeding.
Waconzy Apologises For Last Year’s Beef
What a sissy! If ever there has been a man with balls made of clay, then he has to be Waconzy!
Last year, Waconzy was a hero to many Nigerian music aficionados. He bravely called out the perpetrators of meaningless music in the country, and won many hearts. Tonto Dikeh and Davido were put together in a category called ‘noisemakers’, and Nigeria exploded.
Waconzy was pelted on twitter, he was under attack on Facebook, people laid siege to his social media channels, and if properly investigated, we’ll have found out that he was marked for death by some fanatic assassin.
But Waconzy went through all of that, and came out strong, only for him to destroy all his hard work last week.
He apologized!
Waconzy not only sent messages, and held an interview where he said the sick words ‘sorry’, he also rubbed his nose in it by dropping a song titled…’Am Sorry’.
The cheek of it! Waconzy lost his balls, and apologized, for stating the obvious. How can Nigeria move forward, eh?
This is surely the sign of the end times. Watch and pray, brethren.
2FACE AKON AND T-PAIN DROP NEW (CHECK IT OUT)
T-Pain – If I Got It ft. Akon & 2face
2Face Idibia is renowned for putting Nigeria on the map. He has got one again, beautiful.
Published: 07.02.2014
Joey Akan
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Nigerian star, 2face, has added another international collaboration into his impressive collection of musical releases. This time, he gets to feature on US star, T-Pain’s new song, ‘If I Got It’, which also features superstar, Akon.
This comes hotly on the heels of the recently premiered ‘Rainbow’ remix video, which had 2face and T-Pain working together. 2 Face Idibia is renowned for putting Nigeria on the map. He has got one again, beautiful.
Listen and tell us how 2face fared on the as a guest on a top international artiste’s song. Check on it!
OSITA IHEME BIOGRAPHY? THE REAL PAWPAW
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